Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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