Cold hands, warm shart.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
