community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize