last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
