Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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