It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
