We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
