Four minutes until I can fart!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
