did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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