Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
