Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
