i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
