My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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