She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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