i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
