Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
