I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm passing your future prison.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
