Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
