Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
