My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
