The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
