I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
