I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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