The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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