The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
