Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I need to calm my uterus...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize