You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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