Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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