Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
