Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize