Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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