There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
