Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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