My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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