I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
