Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
