Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
