things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
