she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize