Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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