I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
