how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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