i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want a musical about memes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
