dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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