So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
