What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
