my phone needs a breathalizer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
