He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
