I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
