On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
