We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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