nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
