Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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