Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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