i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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