I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
