eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
