Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
